Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

10 year old: What was it like?

Me: What was what like?

10: Being alive in the 1900’s?

Me: Go to your room.

[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]

Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!

My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.

Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?

If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB

I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.

NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.

ME: Oh that makes much more sense.

[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]

The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.

babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-

Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.

WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her

Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG

Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.

My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:

“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”

I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.

Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse

My wife’s leftover meatloaf just growled at me and ran under the fridge …. now I’m scared.

The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them

Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.

Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.

Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.

Wow you’re fast.

HER: I love how we always finish each other’s

HIM:

HER:

HIM:

HER: Marriages

Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that

We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.

[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday

I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.

I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.

One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.

[at symphony concert]

*marimba part begins*

Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?

Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA

My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?