Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shoe repair guy: so what happened?

[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]

Me: I stepped in a..puddle

[Orange Juice on tinder]

TINDER: “You have a match!

Orange juice: “Oh great!”

TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”

Orange juice: “Oh no.”

me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no

Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.

I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.

Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display

Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.

I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.

Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear

Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree

*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*

I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.

The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport

Me: I am a goddess. I was born for greatness. I will paint these shutters myself.

Me halfway up a 20-foot ladder: I am a land mammal. I was born with gravity. I will pay someone else to paint these shutters.

From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”

That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.

My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.

Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.

[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?

Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.

Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.

I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year

If you need time alone, just announce that you need help cleaning the cats litter box.

“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”

I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon

#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!

when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”

Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!

more water

50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun

50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football lineups on and off for 8 hours

just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant

Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.