While you’re making a difference I’m making spaghetti bolognese. So I ask you, who’s winning now?
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
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Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Close your eyes. Now imagine a peaceful meadow. That meadow represents your betrayal. I told you to close your eyes, but you kept reading.
I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. Honest, I only meant to rough him up a bit.
If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I’d have to pick:
I leave the window open at night hoping a drunk criminal will accidentally drop a bag of money inside while trying to break in.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Listening to “Bad Company” by Bad Company from their album “Bad Company” how do they come up with this stuff
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.