Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
You Might Also Like
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.