@Shenaniglenns

Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?

Executioner: Ugh the WORST

You Might Also Like

@tsm560

While you’re making a difference I’m making spaghetti bolognese. So I ask you, who’s winning now?

@Kids_kubed

Me: (throwing up in toilet)

6: (pulls my hair out of my face)

Me: *aw she cares about me*

6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?

@markleggett

Close your eyes. Now imagine a peaceful meadow. That meadow represents your betrayal. I told you to close your eyes, but you kept reading.

@iGreenMonk

I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. Honest, I only meant to rough him up a bit.

@Shock_Monster

If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I’d have to pick:

My girlfriend.

@just1fool

I leave the window open at night hoping a drunk criminal will accidentally drop a bag of money inside while trying to break in.

@PJTLynch

Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food

@yonewt

Listening to “Bad Company” by Bad Company from their album “Bad Company” how do they come up with this stuff

@LoveNLunchmeat

It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.