Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.

Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.

Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word

My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.

If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.

What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?

YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY

Anakin: Want to go out?

Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.

Anakin:

Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.

ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species

My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.

Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.

I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.

ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.

If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU

I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.

My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.

January is lasting longer than my marriage

Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.

Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying

And I can cry without chopping an onion

I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.

When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.

Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?

After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard

My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.

The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing

Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get

ㅤ

ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]

DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!

The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?