Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
You Might Also Like
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
dam girl
oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!