Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.

China are probably making all the medals anyway.

*Tries to start the wave at a funeral

why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone

50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.

Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.

Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.

It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying

The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook

I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart

I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”

Good God that’s customer service.

Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.

Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.

“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”

What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?

Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!

My support group can outdrink your support group.

this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket

Car salesmen: Good evening

Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND

Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?

I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.

Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.

me: hey cat what are you up to

cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ

me: what

cat: meow

Me: A storm is coming

My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?

I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.

the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!

I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.

The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.

me: are you ready for halloween?

friend: yes!

me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic

friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*

Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.

Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?