Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils

My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.

me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*

good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me

Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?

my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you

me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden

The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.

Husband: I love everything about you.

Me: Even my toe hair?

H: What toe hair?

Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.

[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf

{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?

Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.

Walmart customers are classless.

You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.

Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.

There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.

Me driving through Toronto

What the hell happened here.

When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.

Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.

My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.

You know what sucks about Karaoke?

Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna

Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins

An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?

How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?

Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?

Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”

My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*

Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.

Coworker: You said all that out loud.

“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”

is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies

Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!

I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.

Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?

LOL