ME: Donât you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: âŠAye
ME: đ
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didnât ya
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I think Schrödinger wouldâve really liked the microwave.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that wonât leave my toaster a huge mess?
Itâs difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I canât decide which to drink.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius wasâŠ. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Cashier: haha thatâs a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:âŠ
Cashier:âŠ
Me:âŠ
Cashier:âŠ
Me: yep
youâd think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
After your 5th sneeze Iâm not saying bless you anymore.
Youâre on your own
Quarantine Stories: Weâve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, âBrad Pitt,â settles down for a meal.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I donât want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, arenât we all, haha, Iâll just try to go about my business, okay no sheâs definitely biting me
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: âall youâve done is make him extra delicious you idiotâ
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and theyâre not looking, they are for me
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters arenât louder
Mom: Whatâs going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching womenâs tennis
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when youâre sleeping)
Me: Thatâs the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
me: i canât believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried youâd believe it
Why do prescription pills always say âby mouth?â Where else would people put thâŠ
Ooooooh.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
âWhatâs this switch for?â he asked.
âNo idea,â she said. She flipped it on. Off. âNothing?â
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and heâd call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.