Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.

“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.

If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.

I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!

I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.

If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them

If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.

Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp

When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city

You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?

Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.

What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?

Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.

3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight

A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.

My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.

I’m thinking about giving up sugar.

Ok. I’m done thinking about it.

No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do

FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you

SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet

I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:

“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”

So far, they’re crushing it

People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.

I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.

When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.

Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE

If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.

to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of

God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then

Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!

Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.

Children: Wait what?

Me: What?