Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly

I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.

Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself

Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!

Him : Which one?

Me : I only have one face, Carl.

“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”

— Mark Twain

Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.

One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.

ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant

25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.

I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.

Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”

How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.

#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck

Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!

Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?

Ages pass.

Empires rise and fall.

Dolphins develop their own space program.

The old gods return.

The stars die out and the sky goes black.

Coworker: Here you go.

[restaurant]

waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?

me: no but I know how to order food

Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”

my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music

They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars

Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate

Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!

2020: Nope.

Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.

When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.

I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security

harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ

STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”

HIM: “This might sound weird…”

STYLIST: “Try me.”

HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”

STYLIST: “I got this.”

Slide to the left, now slide to the right
criss cross, criss cross, cha cha real smooth

– the groceries in the back of my car

is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan

i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community

Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.

My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.

My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.