ME: Donât you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: âŚAye
ME: đ
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didnât ya
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[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: âif thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for youâ
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
You get to sleep all day, cat, thatâs why I get the good food.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didnât get me one better watch out
NEW YEARâS LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always âNeverâ.
my retirement plan is braless
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashianâs wedding is the one of the saddest things iâve ever seen
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, âBlocked,â I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: Iâve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple âNoâ would have been sufficient.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
When they announce
âall youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premisesâMe:
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, theyâre fine.
kinda fun if literal: earwigs
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. Itâs like they donât even care.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
ânice dog or cat or baby or whateverâ i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. âwas it expensive?â
why r babies always crying u donât even have jobs
Dear Coworker, If Iâm nodding my head & smiling at everything youâve said, this means Iâm fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Because you canât hang up in person.
Duct tape,
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.