Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor

Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.

I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.

“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”

I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.

It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.

I fought the law* and the law* won.

*duvet cover

I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.

My summer body has been pending for about ten years

I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.

Airport: come like 3 hours early

Ok what gate do I go to

Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫

I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.

*eats it

Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.

if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”

Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.

Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.

Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.

Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–

I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap

me: how can Americans be so arrogant?

also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*

Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by all

Me:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes

*Handed a baby*

Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?

Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.

I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.

*tries hard*

*fails*

*tries flaccid*

The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.

They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.

The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.

*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*