Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i just found this in my phone

WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .

Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.

There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.

There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos

A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”

My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…

Santa: *deep sigh*

Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?

S: *shakes head*

MK: Covid?

S: *shakes head*

MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?

S: *nods vigorously*

When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries

I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.

Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder

me: truth or dare

government: truth

me: is Wyoming real

government: dare

literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.

Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.

Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.

4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…

My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever

DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*

To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.

crying

Her: So do you like hash browns?

Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns

Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.

I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.

They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.

My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.

I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box

In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”

me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.

doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.

me: i know but it’s so itchy.

It’s amazing how brazen foxes are these days. Just looking at this little one here, in broad daylight, not a care in the world, trotting across the apron, leaping up the stairs, firing up a 737, taxiing it out…wait