Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

waiter: are there any allergies at the table?

me (already drunk): BEES

“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives

[commercial for kinder eggs]

are you tired of mean eggs

let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport

Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;

1/Walk slow

2/Stop for no reason

3/Repeat above

Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.

I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.

Wait for it…

This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.

Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.

The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.

You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!

*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*

If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”

Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.

High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.

the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls

“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”

Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!

“I go by Barold now”

1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.

Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:

Him: The best part of my day was-

Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?

Him: Watching TV.

Me: Oh, ok.

Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!

Me: yeah???

Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.

Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.

If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.

Friend: wow you can actually sing!

Me at 2 beers: lol stfu

Me at 9 beers: we are a band now

nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing

*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance

Stay here and watch people argue or log out and listen to my family argue? Decisions, decisions

omg leave her alone

I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.

It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.

Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.

Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.

When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.