Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
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THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.