Me: don’t you want some socks? It’s freezing in here
3 yr old: no
Me: you just want bare feet?
3 yr old: *looks at me weird* no mommy, I have people feet
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[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭