Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk

worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards

Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time

Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist

Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor

And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.

The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ

Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.

Lol

3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it

-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place

I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.

I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves

*tries to be less adorable*

*fails*

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned

Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent

Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.

Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner

I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.

My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.

brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?

my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?

him: no, 100.

10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!

white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha

I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.

My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.

I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.

My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.

If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know

My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice

Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you

“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!

Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.

HER: Does your dog do any tricks?

ME: I taught him to lie on the bed

H: That’s not impressive lol

DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit