Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: How much for the snake hamster?

Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret

When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.

Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.

A doctor, a nurse and myself inspecting a patient
Doctor: The symptoms don’t make sense.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like this before
Me: I don’t even have a guess
Patient: Oh God what am I supposed to tell my family then?
Me: Tell them that women find you fascinating?

Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.

If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.

[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven

Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second

Women’s magazines:

Page 5: accept yourself for who you are

Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week

Page 12: best cake recipe

Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.

we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’

Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?

Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.

Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?

GERG: She licked ur donut?

JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!

GERG: gross!

JERY: she also said she “hates america”

GERG: Donut licking traitor!

me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?

bus driver: can’t but thanks

make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight

I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.

I need a treadmill with a reward system.

Run 10k, here’s a pizza.

inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome

inventor of vests: disagree

inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them

Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?

[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind

If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.

Me: Delete it!

Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.

I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.

Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?

Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.

Customer: …

Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”

I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you

This one takes the trophy 😭😭

Some will get it! Hmm 🤔?¿

Jupiter

I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.

I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey