Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.

I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.

There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?

WAITER: whaddaya have?

DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat

TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm

An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.

She said she liked it doggy style…

…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.

[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney

I can’t work out if the pilot taxiing towards the terminal window is doing a huge yawn or his brakes have failed.

The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*

The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.

Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?

Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.

Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.

[commercial for kids]

woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!

narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?

I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.

Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!

I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.

meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat

They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…

*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*

DATE: what’s your favorite movie?

ME: Se-seven-en

DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V

ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb

true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”

My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.

Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.

I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.

90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.

The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.

Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.

Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?

Dear people with resolutions,

Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.

According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.