Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.

First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…

You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.

Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.

Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.

*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*

be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey

My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too cold

Under my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– that one really embarrassing thing you did
– literally everyone still remembers & talks about it
– you’d think they forget but no lmao
– can’t believe you did that lol

Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.

Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.

Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.

My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.

How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.

me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.

wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.

All food is good if you spell it wrong

trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater

Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.

Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom

Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.

Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.

Me: What about sharks?

Society: We’ll give them a whole week.

Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.

I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.

[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.

Him: you’re beautiful.

Her: no I’m not, hehe.

Him: yes, you are.

Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.

Him: oh, ok. I see it now.

My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.

A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”

Got a new high score on my bathroom scale

Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison elementary are safe today