Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
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Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up
Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….