Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
August 8
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Me sliding into hell like
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
make up your mind
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
