Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry CavillAnd, no, it’s not a chowder class.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
dog: [brings sticks inside]
me: no that belongs outside
me, at Christmas time: [brings entire tree inside]
dog: what the actual shit is this
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Imagine having a party on purpose.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
