Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.
asked my bf how work was today
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful
My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
