Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Short story
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
How can you tell baby kangaroos apart when they’re all named Joey?
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
