I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
You Might Also Like
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.