My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
me: *down on one knee*
her: omg omg omg it’s finally happening
me: *tightens my velcro straps* what
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Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
If you steal my tweets I’ll just unfollow you cuz your tweets are terrible.
[Julius Caesar being murdered]
“Just please don’t name a salad after me.”
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
Danny Devito: well hello there
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
WHAT ARE WE?
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
No, then Twitter
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow