Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework

gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay

me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks

“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion

WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT

Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?

Me: You mean like water water or bath water?

podcasts

Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter

Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!

Blacksmith:

Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife

I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.

Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.

outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now

me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email

outlook: [confused hissing]

BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess

If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.

If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.

I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food

doctor: any allergies?

me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.

[walking on beach]

[find bottle with message in it]

Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?

[another bottle with message washes against my feet]

Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.

Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end

*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course

We couldn’t just…..find their homes?

COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …

I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.

Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book

Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me

Good morning

My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.

If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”