Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.

*peeing*

I should get outta bed now, I guess.

TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.

[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion

[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?

My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.

Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.

A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.

do horses think humans are hats

satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints

me: about the laughing?

satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out

me:

satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much

Whisper out to librarians!

We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter

If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?

So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.

Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”

Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog

We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.

She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.

It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.

Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.

My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.

So I’ve got that going for me.

Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job

Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?

The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station

Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.

God: you’re a roly poly bug.

Roly Poly: what does that mean?

God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.

Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?

God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].

Roly Poly:

God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.

[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there

Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: with you?

I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.