Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DATE: I want someone who can cook

ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking

I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”

“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”

How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking

Lucky old June.

People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.

If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.

Why aren’t more people talking about this?

Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.

Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i

Other Titanic lookout: hmmm

Him: whatcha doing over there?

Me: playing on my phone

Him: oh yeah? What game?

Me: my favorite game

Him: which one is that?

Me: …Amazon

A duv-egg? In this economy?

WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.

Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.

I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids

Husband: We should go to Costco.

Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?

H: I said Costco, not Walmart.

Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*

I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”

Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!

I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.

I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed

Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.

Always be yourself.

Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!

When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.

Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?

Me: …hiss like a cat?

*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*

*Buys Magic 8 Ball*

*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.

HER: so what do you do?

ME: i’m a mathemagician

HER: you mean a mathematician?

ME: [divides by zero] no

Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.

Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”

If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.

(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before