Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.

A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.

me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies

him: no spoilers

me: i assure you there are a ton

“Fiona, You up?”

-Shrext.

When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.

I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply

I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.

😂🐾

My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.

Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played

If it requires “gear” I’m in.

The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.

Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from

I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.

Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?

Me: *never blinks again*

date: what are you thinking about

me: fall should be spelled fa//

date:

me:

date: fell should be spelled fe_ _

*we kiss*

DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT

I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo

Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.

wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.

So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.

Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.

Possum 911: What’s your emergency

Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!

Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?

Possum: Oh yeah

my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings

me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again

my grandpa: well i’ll be damned

Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.

“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”

Haha sure thing kiddo

[Grocery store checkout]

Me: *cracks open a beer*

Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here

Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this

Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here

ME: sorry for the hold-up

TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?

ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian

Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.

“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING

God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo

I threw a ball for my dog.

Extravagant, I know.

But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.