Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
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Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
“Amanda Seyfried (left)”
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…