[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
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whenever i see deer hanging out too close to the road i will slowly drive by, roll down my window, and say “you guys are being insane..” they usually just stare and dont say anything back but i can tell they’re utterly embarrassed
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.
10: When there were dinosaurs?
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
May have had one breakfast too many
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots