*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
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I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
In case you needed to hear it:
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.