Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!

–CONCERT NIGHT–

ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!

them: our youngest is 73 months.

me: what’s that in human people years

Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?

Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.

Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…

“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”

“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”

“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers

Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.

5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.

When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back

*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*

Truth

Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”

Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”

Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”

Me: “Nope.”

We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too

KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.

I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are

Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.

[Christmas morning]

Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]

My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.

I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.

*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…

One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*

[at a football game]

my kid: can i get a giant foam finger

me: no

my kid: why not

me: because you already ate three of them at halftime

Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.

When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.

*Dies eating gas station sushi

under no circumstances will my brother take the L

At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.

guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”

When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.

I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down

I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.

Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.