Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
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I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Ah yes. The three genders
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.