Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
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Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”
No, I’m at a desk reading your email.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
You’re in a pickle…oh okay that sounds nice, can it be bread and butter please?
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
analogies are so stupid
“the same boiling water that hardens the egg softens the potato” I’m not an egg or a potato and I don’t know how this applies to me. I’m just trying to get laid
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.