Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
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Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
no one:
not a soul:
my daughter: if I ever get rich I’m going to buy a family crypt for all of us because we don’t want random dead people buried around us
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.