ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
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I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
When you let grandma cat sit
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?