ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
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My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Oops
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely