Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials

My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.

Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.

[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all

Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?

(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this

My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”

I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!

Enhanced interrogation idea:

If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.

“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”

Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.

Him: what does a polar bear weigh?

Me: I don’t know

Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.

Me: so’s mine.

Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes

Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends

Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?

I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.

The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.

A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?

[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?

“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”

But…I’m Swedish!

“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”

Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.

[Christmas]

Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!

Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*

“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”

don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???

Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”

If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants

scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”

When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”

If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.

I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”