Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.

VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”

My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.

She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.

So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.

shakespeare: murder most foul…

goose: what the duck did you just say?!

Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.

Me [on fire]: HOW

Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*

Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.

Me: so what does your husband do?

Her: he’s a dermatologist

Me: pore guy :/

#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.

May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos

Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.

My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral

[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe

[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together

[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this

[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it

[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”

i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website

I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.

“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police

Me: This escape room sucks

My boss: This is a budget meeting…

melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist

I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.

My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going

Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it

Her: Make me a mimosa.

Me: But we’re out of orange juice.

Her: I don’t see the problem.

Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.

Me: Mmm hmmm

Wife: Are you even listening to me?

Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.

It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.

interviewer: why do you want this job?

me: i’m a job guy. love jobs

I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.

dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?

Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this

¯_(ツ)_/¯

Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.