Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?

INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?

Her: So, what are we thinking?

Him: Well, one of us is thinking, “I have a good idea,” and the other is thinking, “No, he doesn’t.”

Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to

My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.

Anyway, she’s my new life coach.

fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car

podiatrist: let’s take a look

The chart results are in…

The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots

BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat

ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*

BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?

Me: I forbid you to go!

Her: What was that?

Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”

when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast

ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place

[Shopping with $100]

As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!

As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?

The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.

HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?

CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?

Meowchelangelo

You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.

My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.

I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.

I unironically love this joke.

It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.

I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks

The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.

literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared

I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.

THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.

This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.

My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.

This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.

I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day