Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.

Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.

Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.

M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee

H: Still right beside you.

I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges

And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking

My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.

It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.

opening twitter before 9am is crazy like did you even try to have a good day

My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.

I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.

me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me

vet: this is a hyena

Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”

FRIEND: Where were you?

ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor

FRIEND: Flu?

ME: Nah, just drove really fast

“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”

Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday

Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*

Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.

*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear

[3 guys corner me in an alley]

3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.

(hours before leaving on a road trip)

You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.

Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice

“I’ll worry about it next time”

– me pissing off future me

“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager

Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?

Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.

The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.

[Getting phone call from the School]

Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.

M: Did he win?

T: That’s not really relevant.

M: It is to the winner.

My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.

Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*

#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺

👽

“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”

Drunks and 1 year olds.

Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.

* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping