Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *hits snooze on alarm

Life: *sets off smoke detector

saying “i am bad at this”

-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvement

saying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”

-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales

you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.

horse prosecutor: did you do it?

horse defendant: neigh

horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again

horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!

Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.

I’ve worked several high-pressure corporate jobs, but I never put more effort into the way I look than when I’m working with kids. Like, the CEO of a company never asked me what happened to my hair or why I’m dressed like Beetlejuice.

My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.

Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages

Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume

[store window advert – 50% off everything]

me: is everything really half off?

sales assistant: absolutely

me: even this $750 suit?

sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout

me: I’ll take it

sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please

maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins

Remember to recycle your pizza boxes

It’s for the Greta good

Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?

“shh, I’m getting mad online”

Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.

A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:

“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”

– Garfield of Dreams

Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.

My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.

I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED

Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )

If you get an I Voted sticker for voting early, you should be able to scan it on your TV and all political ads should be replaced by normal commercials

My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.

I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.

Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”

ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”

According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to

Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?

*Husband playing computer game*

Me: I’m going to go pee.

Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.

Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.

Husband: OK. Enjoy.

THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?

ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.

[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.

Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”

Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”

Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.