*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs
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Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Arrest that man!
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
I wish more places gave out stickers like the ones you get for voting. “I got a colonoscopy!” “I got a mammogram!” “I got a pap smear!” “I got a prostate exam!”
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.