Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel

How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”

robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe

giraffe: this is bullshit Steve

[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.

How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8

I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.

“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer

Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?

Me: Absolutely amazing

Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?

Me: You may not

The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.

It’s real life horror movie science

God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open

My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.

If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.

You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.

“Please, no. I can try harder.”

You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.

Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.

Sincerely, every parent everywhere.

“I’ll be back!”

-boomerangs

-and herpes

My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.

Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.

Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.

I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.

*adds humanitarian to resume

Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies

Banderslack Clamberdorch

Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run

Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG

Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.

Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.

Her: Explain Twitter to me

Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?

H: Yes

Me: Much the same, just less compassion

me: why does nobody like me

therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic

me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how

abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails

if someone has a question, I do not want to know

Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.

I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.