*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs
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You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Wait a minute
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More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Living the best life.. 😊
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.