*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs
You Might Also Like
Haircuts should be covered by healthcare
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it