me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
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I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football lineups on and off for 8 hours
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.