Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either

Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER

Welcome to the stomach

Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.

Me: Ironman

Wife: Get out!

I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company

host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam

sam: yeah and you as well

host:

sam:

host: killer job sammy boy

Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?

Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.

18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.

The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.

Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”

Me:”You mean ASAP?”

Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”

The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.

To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.

I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan

I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.

Robber: [hands teller a note]

Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?

R: Yes, and hurry it up!

T: Why?

R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.

T:

R: How am I doing so far?

It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.

Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.

the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny

UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes

there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.

I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.

If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.

Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.

KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.

“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”

I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died

doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]

If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.

I wear a lot of sport bras for someone who gets winded brushing their teeth.