Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.

If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.

Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!

Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45

There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.

When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.

(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?

No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh

My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”

[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO

I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”

My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.

[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse

I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.

When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.

I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.

I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab

and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”

Me: “Time to go to sleep.”

My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”

Body: time to sleep.

Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

Tonight’s parenting lesson:

If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.

I need a shower.

It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby

Me: so when will I actually receive the shark

Loan Shark: what

{Thomas Edison prank call}

Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*

Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?

Me: either, as long as there’s butter

Him: are we still talking about se-

Me: muffins, yes

Traffic stop

Cop: there’s a dead body in the back seat of your car

Me: it was like that when I bought it

I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.

Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done

My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.

I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁

[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*