Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.

I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.

I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.

The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.

me: is this vegan friendly?

waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend

“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”

Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD

everyone: “you changed”

the climate: i know 😞

Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.

I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.

A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.

If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink

Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: That’s crazy

What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.

“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you

“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace

“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice

BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife

Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!

Her: ok….. you pick the place

Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught

@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”

Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!

When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.

Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.

Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.

Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.

Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’

I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.

can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.

If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors

i think only bears should have the right to bear arms

When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.

I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off