Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*

Cashier: “Are you moving?”

Me: “No, why?”

My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.

Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.

Answer my phone? No thanks.

I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.

I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.

I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.

My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.

I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.

Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.

*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche

Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.

Came out pretty well.

Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..

..

..

..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!

If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar

dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything

I am preparing a divorce case with graphic compromising photos and they are scattered on my living room floor as I mark each one with exhibit stickers. My mom walks in and glances at the floor and says, “Oh! Are you making a scrapbook? I want to help!”

No. No you do not.

[taking girlfriend out]

her dad: have her back at a reasonable time

me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time

her dad: propose

[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]

Me: This is absolutely magnificent.

[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]

Me: This is pretty alright I guess.

nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”

Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.

I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!

“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”

– condescending con descending

me: dating is hard

me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid

[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!

ME: Make every guy afraid of me.

GENIE: As you wish.

ME: (a tampon): son of a

Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”

End of date

Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night

Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss

Me: *honks horn as I speed away *

Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up

Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.

my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing

It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.