Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
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he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
4yo and my husband made pasta from scratch for dinner. 4yo took one bite and said “this is the best meal I’ve ever had, please can we make this again” then promptly left the table and ate no more. Bless preschoolers.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Happy thanksgiving
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?
Encore…
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
My flight did not give out free water so I asked for a glass of ice instead and documented the journey to a free water
Checkmate, Allegiant
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Don’t beat an alive horse either.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
