Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere

-Me about my kid’s toys

Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?

Husband: What else do you have?

Me: *eyes narrow*

Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!

[First date]

Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?

Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!

actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits

Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power

Leia: By blowing up my planet?

Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation

Leia: NOOO!!!

I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE

The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.

Hear me out:

Brunch where pajama attire is required.

Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…

It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go

I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic

new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby

friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop

Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to

friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha

Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that

Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”

Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.

Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*

Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*

Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips

So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like

when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.

now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks

40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.

uh-oh. Bad news for Trump

Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”

Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.

When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.

3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*

Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?

Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.

Does anybody flutter a cape like Adam Driver and yet he still has not played Dracula in a movie possibly because he is sort of playing Dracula in every movie

Me: So my car made a noise and..

Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.

Them: “Live in the moment!”

Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”

Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets

My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.

Our shared calendar.

At least he already knows not to expect much.

my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica