Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.

Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.

Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.

Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap

“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable

Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.

ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*

[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this

A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.

I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.

Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship

Them: What’s wrong with you?

Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*

Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.

Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.

A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.

I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia

Sending in my taxes

Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.

I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo

I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it

I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.

Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.

Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage

I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.

[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.

Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat

The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80

why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward

[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders

My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.

Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.

Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy

Angel: yes that’s why you’re here