Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”

My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”

I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.

Fool me once shame on you

Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.

Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.

*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*

5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?

*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*

Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go

5yo: I’m full from leaves

[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”

Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?

You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn

Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.

cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse

Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶

Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁

Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.

{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk

what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself

[grocery store]

dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying

[baby keeps crying]

me: wow, your baby does not listen

Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.

“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds

Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor

Neighbor: *talking, shifts*

Me: *shifts, too, talking*

N: *moves, keeps talking*

M: *moves, too, keeps talking*

N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?

Me: Yes

N: *laughing*

Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken

Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid

me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?

wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.

I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now

What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?

Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley

Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children

Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids

Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.

I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth

Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.