Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
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The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
me: hey your birthday is one day away
6yo: we just call that tomorrow
me:
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Child: I’m bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Child: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Child: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Child: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Child: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Me: *spends 4 hours comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.