Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
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Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
john wicks are toilet candles
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.