Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
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If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.