Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
You Might Also Like
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Judge: Let’s start the spelling bee. Your word is “mitosis.”
Student: Would you use it in a sentence?
Judge: “When my sister asked if any part of my foot hurt, I said mitosis.”
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator