Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
You Might Also Like
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
chat should i buy a house or 1 sabrina carpenter ticket?
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
😭😭😭
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Today I learned that you’re supposed to pee on a jellyfish sting and NOT a jelly stain. So my apologies to the lady at Dunkin this morning. I was only trying to help
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
