Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
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Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
not to brag, but mine was free
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Yes
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.