Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
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My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
sometimes we need to be reminded
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
italians don’t go to regular prison they go to a penne tentiary
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.