@NewDadNotes

Me: [driving into a parking garage]

Wife: why are you ducking your head?

Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: that’s fair.

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@ChipKellysBalls

Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?

@Procaffinator

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.

@david8hughes

If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.

@JessObsess

I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.

@killazilla

My sis just asked if sugar goes bad. Now I can’t stop picturing it bullying the other spices and selling pot.

@Chhapiness

Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack

@InternetHippo

A girl I went on two dates with told me I’m mysterious and I realized she’s never met someone boring before

@Chloestylo

When someone sneezes, I whisper, “Goes in tight..” It’s actually German for “Bless you”, but it sounds so naughty.