Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife: that’s fair.
You Might Also Like
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
My sis just asked if sugar goes bad. Now I can’t stop picturing it bullying the other spices and selling pot.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
A girl I went on two dates with told me I’m mysterious and I realized she’s never met someone boring before
When someone sneezes, I whisper, “Goes in tight..” It’s actually German for “Bless you”, but it sounds so naughty.