Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
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People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
How to have a good marriage:
1. Hold hands
2. Cuddle
3. Take out the trash like I have been telling you to do ALL DAY Craig
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses
m&m’s call their smallest pack the “fun size”. Sorry, that’s not fun. A 3 lb bag would be a lot more fun
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains