Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.

The most avoided species of shark is the Loan

6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.

Me: That’s pretty impressive.

6: Let me know if you need my help.

my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call

I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes

[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one

Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.

in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass

12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.

His protest was legendary.

ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.

Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.

Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.

[Before the ten commandments were handed down]

Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?

Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea

GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!

ME: It
…

was
…

nice
…

knowing
…

you

In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.

My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.

I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”

He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”

Got an annoying neighbour? Leave a note on their car: “Sorry about the damage, but I’ve patched it up so you probably can’t even see it.”

“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….

After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.

[at the shooting range]

Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.

Officer: Perfect.

*makes him a stormtrooper*

Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”

If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.

I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing

I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567

“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.

Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”

Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.