Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.

SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*

If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.

Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run

Government Shutdown: Day Two

Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.

my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting

idk what he going thru but i feel him

why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials

just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.

💁🏻‍♂️

I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.

I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.

LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’

Bae: Come over

Me: Do you have food??

Bae: My parents aren’t home

Me: Are they coming back with food??

I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”

I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face

#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆

“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”

“Then I would have had to reword it.”

Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.

My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.

What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?

A πthon

Pizza will never hurt your feelings.

my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?

My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.

We will be telling them tonight.

My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.

I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich

HER: I’ve missed you so badly.

ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!

The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.

It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase

9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?

Me: Sure.

9: Can I spend two nights?

Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.

Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*