Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
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*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.