ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
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The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you
dinner ingredients:
nature’s most graceful animal
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.