Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”

Me:

Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?

Five Guys CEO: you heard me

<- sleeps well with others

[writing my first autopsy report]

There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy

Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.

I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.

me: you look thinner

friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh

me: meat

friend: what

me: what

“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably

For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.

Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?

Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.

an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today

i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down

Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*

Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!

Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.

I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss

It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick

I need a long hot meteor shower

[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion

[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?

“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”

*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!

What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.

My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.

If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.

me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:

Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it

Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels

Top 3 questions asked by my parents:

3) How’s the business?

2) Do you have a girlfriend?

1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?

I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?

dude it’s called proctologist