ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
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Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.
Anarchy
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After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
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in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Geez man, take it easy.
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My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Sending in my taxes
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a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go