Me driving through Toronto
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Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
My boss called in sick of me
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.