Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
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I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”