Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
You Might Also Like
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
My whole life was a lie.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*